Dear Diary…

Dear Lord,
It happened again.
I blew it all out of proportion AGAIN.
I turned a molehill into a mountain AGAIN.
I forgot that this person had been moving earth and all to please me for months…at the thought that he was ignoring me, I didn’t stop to ask him to be sure if he was, I didn’t stop for a minute to try and be rational about it all, I didn’t stop to ponder on the fact that someone who loved me as much as he did would never ignore me…
In fact, to be truthful to myself, he had actually just called me to ask me to “please” see him, how then could he ignore me almost immediately?

I wasn’t angry at the fact that he ignored me, I was angry at the fact that there goes another one who had won my heart and affections and as usual felt comfortable about the fact that they could treat me like trash.
And so I spoke like I’ve always spoke to them all before him – “please just let it all go, friendship et al, please just let us drift away, I’ve got no time for this, friendship isn’t by force”…

But I was wrong about it all, he wasn’t ignoring me, he could not do that, at least not at that moment.
He was a friend to me, a real friend trying his best to make me see that he cared, trying his best to make me care about him, trying his best to accommodate me and my excesses(and boy, I do have EXCESSES)…

I wasn’t being fair to him, just as I had not being fair to lots of friends before him.
The above words were words I had said a lot of times before to people like him whose only crime was that they loved me.
People who had simply just tried to be my friend, people who tried their best to be good to me and at the drop of a hat, at the whiff of the scent that they were taking advantage of the fact that I cared about them(which was more often than not wrong) , I was ready to let go.

It is time to tell myself the truth…

This was a defence mechanism, MY defence mechanism against being emotionally hurt…

From the moment “M” stood up after slapping me that night…
From the moment “M” used his belt on me to forcefully take my virginity…
From the moment I frantically opened my legs for “M” to break my hymen for fear of his beatings..
From the moment I trusted “M” enough to spend that night with him…
From the moment I naively believed in “M’s” love for me..
From the moment I called “M” repeatedly even after he betrayed my trust and forcefully broke my hymen…
From the moment “M” repeatedly ignored my calls…

This had been my defence mechanism, to let them all go at the inkling that they were starting to treat me like trash…

I admit it.
I have issues with trust, I have serious issues with letting people in and it’s time to tell myself the truth.
It’s time to stop punishing others for the sins of “M” and all others who hurt me after him.
It’s time to let those who genuinely love me for me come into my life.
It’s time to stop putting up the defences against anticipated hurts that may never come (tis a pathetic way to live)
It’s time to stop treating others like trash because of “M”.
It’s time to heal.
It’s time to let it all go.

But I can’t heal emotional scars from 6years ago on my own…

And so Lord, I come to you today.
Please heal every scar in my heart/soul.
Please release me from the bondage of emotional scars from the past.
Please help me trust the genuine people that care about me.
Help me to let in the ones you’ve sent my way.
Help me appreciate love, the true love I get from others right now.
Please help me to stop meting out punishments to others because of the sins of “M”.
Please help me let go in totality.
Please take away the ever present emotional hurt I expect in my friendships/relationships.
This isn’t the way to live in you.
I can’t do this anymore.
I am hurting almost everyone who tries to come close to me.
I am hurting almost everyone who cares about me.

Please heal me Lord.
Only you can.

Your Daughter,
Me.

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