Dear Diary…

Dear Lord,
It happened again.
I blew it all out of proportion AGAIN.
I turned a molehill into a mountain AGAIN.
I forgot that this person had been moving earth and all to please me for months…at the thought that he was ignoring me, I didn’t stop to ask him to be sure if he was, I didn’t stop for a minute to try and be rational about it all, I didn’t stop to ponder on the fact that someone who loved me as much as he did would never ignore me…
In fact, to be truthful to myself, he had actually just called me to ask me to “please” see him, how then could he ignore me almost immediately?

I wasn’t angry at the fact that he ignored me, I was angry at the fact that there goes another one who had won my heart and affections and as usual felt comfortable about the fact that they could treat me like trash.
And so I spoke like I’ve always spoke to them all before him – “please just let it all go, friendship et al, please just let us drift away, I’ve got no time for this, friendship isn’t by force”…

But I was wrong about it all, he wasn’t ignoring me, he could not do that, at least not at that moment.
He was a friend to me, a real friend trying his best to make me see that he cared, trying his best to make me care about him, trying his best to accommodate me and my excesses(and boy, I do have EXCESSES)…

I wasn’t being fair to him, just as I had not being fair to lots of friends before him.
The above words were words I had said a lot of times before to people like him whose only crime was that they loved me.
People who had simply just tried to be my friend, people who tried their best to be good to me and at the drop of a hat, at the whiff of the scent that they were taking advantage of the fact that I cared about them(which was more often than not wrong) , I was ready to let go.

It is time to tell myself the truth…

This was a defence mechanism, MY defence mechanism against being emotionally hurt…

From the moment “M” stood up after slapping me that night…
From the moment “M” used his belt on me to forcefully take my virginity…
From the moment I frantically opened my legs for “M” to break my hymen for fear of his beatings..
From the moment I trusted “M” enough to spend that night with him…
From the moment I naively believed in “M’s” love for me..
From the moment I called “M” repeatedly even after he betrayed my trust and forcefully broke my hymen…
From the moment “M” repeatedly ignored my calls…

This had been my defence mechanism, to let them all go at the inkling that they were starting to treat me like trash…

I admit it.
I have issues with trust, I have serious issues with letting people in and it’s time to tell myself the truth.
It’s time to stop punishing others for the sins of “M” and all others who hurt me after him.
It’s time to let those who genuinely love me for me come into my life.
It’s time to stop putting up the defences against anticipated hurts that may never come (tis a pathetic way to live)
It’s time to stop treating others like trash because of “M”.
It’s time to heal.
It’s time to let it all go.

But I can’t heal emotional scars from 6years ago on my own…

And so Lord, I come to you today.
Please heal every scar in my heart/soul.
Please release me from the bondage of emotional scars from the past.
Please help me trust the genuine people that care about me.
Help me to let in the ones you’ve sent my way.
Help me appreciate love, the true love I get from others right now.
Please help me to stop meting out punishments to others because of the sins of “M”.
Please help me let go in totality.
Please take away the ever present emotional hurt I expect in my friendships/relationships.
This isn’t the way to live in you.
I can’t do this anymore.
I am hurting almost everyone who tries to come close to me.
I am hurting almost everyone who cares about me.

Please heal me Lord.
Only you can.

Your Daughter,
Me.

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33 comments on “Dear Diary…

  1. Sigh* This is an issue alot of people are dealing with…

    From the deepest cry of your heart to the ears of God. He will answer 🙂

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  2. Dear Diary: I believe with time, hearts heal. His love washes away the hurt of others. I believe God has healed us from this pain by sending His son to die for us. We might take some time to develop trust again and to forget but He has healed you. Let’s take advantage of it and let our hearts swim in his unending love.
    This is what some of our men and women go through. God loves you and that’s for sure. You’ll find that one person in no time and you will trust him totally. Don’t give up
    Hannah

    http://www.phroonesis.wordpress.com

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  3. Please take time out to shout at God for letting it happen, dear diary. Tell him all d things u would tell M if u could. Be raw n unrestrained, God doesn’t bite. You will never heal if u pray politely. Speaking from experience of childhood abuse. I thot I was not a virgin, till my wedding night. Story for another day. Hugs.

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  4. Hi Frances, this is quite a moving piece. Touching.
    This has happened to the very best and strongest of us: we trusted someone, our trust was betrayed and we were hurt deeply. It is very difficult to let go of that pain. How do I put this? It is difficult to let go of an ‘M’ whom you truly loved but who betrayed your trust. Sometimes the emotion of love plays a very cruel trick on us. When it is time to let go, it just refuses to release us and the bad thing is that it also holds on to the pain our ‘M’ caused us.
    One time it took me a couple of years to let go of my own ‘M’. I prayed and asked God to remove the love I felt and also remove the pain my ‘M’ caused. Even after so many years the pain lingers in certain corners of my soul but I have learned to live and love without it be clouding my best judgement.
    I remember asking someone on Alicia’s blog to read an article on my blog, http://www.praisegeorge.org titled You are not a victim. If you haven’t read it, please do.
    When we own up to our mistakes/role in the emotional and physical violation that took place in our lives, it becomes easier to first FORGIVE ourselves, then forgive our ‘M’, and receive healing from the Lord.
    May the Lord reach deep into your soul and bring you healing. *Hugs*

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  5. Wow. Heart-rendering and honestly open. I know God answers prayers and He will SURELY respond to your heart cry.
    Time wounds all heels but Jesus heals.

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  6. Jesus does heal dear diary.. It may seem like the pain and ‘residues’ of the hurt will never go but don’t stop trusting God for His healing – He does..
    And thank God that you have used your experience to be a blessing to others xx

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    • 1+the one, thank you dear, I agree with you, experiences like this can be used to bless others instead of holding them in and letting them fester, release them and use them for good. to help others after helping yourself/on the road to helping yourself.

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  7. I cried reading your prayer… I feel you.. I haven’t been beaten by anyone but I’ve been with shitty relationships so I know how it feels when a guy treats you like trash. Sometimes I can’t help to think that it’s me, there must be something wrong with me because I always end up with the wrong man!

    Stay strong!! *HUGS*

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    • I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you Wendy, just do a retrospect and if you feel like you made wrong decisions in not asking God for direction and studying the man well enough to pick out red flags before giving ur heart away(like Praisegeorge wrote on his blog), then make a U-turn and start making right decisions and putting ur relationships into God’s hands before going ahead and all will be well.
      thanks for your kind words.
      Love

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  8. Frances, I wish I could hug you and hold your hands for writing this piece. Whether it’s your story or not, it is sincere and deep.

    It’s hard to let go of such pain. I won’t say know all the right punches to pull to grant this person amnesia from this traumatic event. All I know is that the honesty in this post will move heaven to start the repair process. Stay strong!

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  9. Francess where at thou?cnt find u on my bbm.nw to the post,its a heart touchn 1,dats rape nw n M shudnt go unpunished.I pray God heals d heart of d victim

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  10. I would have dropped a comment earlier but due to my current browser which is just annoyingly slow, I couldn’t comment.
    And right now, seeing all the above comments, I can’t say much except that God who knows how to repair souls which have been torn and hearts that have been bruised such as this lady above will find healing in his arms.

    Just stretch out and reach out for the arms of your father beloved one. Even when M hurts you so much that you’ve lost your identity, Christ will restore you and give you a better one. A brand new start.
    Amen
    Dear diary,

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I know one thing for sure; time heals all wounds and God alone restores our joy and peace so our post-op inner beauty comes out looking way better and permanent than any retinol treatment.
    Abusive relationships leave us full of anger and trust issues and most times we begin to trust our worth, but we need to understand that just because bad things happen to us doesn’t mean we are bad! Yes we trusted with an open heart and that trust was abused by an M who obviously does not understand what love is.
    Give it all to God, the hurt, the pain, the anger, and let His touch turn every ash to beauty .

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    • God bless you for your comment favoured woman, i’m awed by your comment..infcat, I am awed by everyone’s comments on this post. God indeed spoke through you all, and more than the post, I believe anyone in this situation reading the comments will be uplifted also. God bless u favoured woman +you all…

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  12. Oh my!! This is so so touching.
    Experiences like this can shatter one’s life. Letting go ain’t easy, letting God take charge is the only option.
    Thank God for God sha..
    Here’s to ladies, people like M are everywhere. See why you should hand over your heart to God? He alone knows who to hand it over to. A father will not give his daughter to an unworthy man.
    God bless you Frances for this post.
    Your blog is amazing. Kudos

    Liked by 1 person

    • true talk Buqie, when we hand over our hearts to God, He will place it in the hands of one worthy of it..but thank God for God, for healing and restoration when we are ready to let go of all the “M(s)”..thank God for God.
      I trullllly appreciate your coming on here dear, like seriously seriously. *clinks imaginary glass* cheers to an amazing blog friendship+real life friendship too.*smiles*

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  13. Oh wow…
    I thank God for using women like you to touch the lives of others. I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’re getting this, but thanks for your openness. Many people would want to keep hurts from the past hidden, but you’ve chosen to reveal them to the benefit of others in similar situations. God bless you and keep up the good work!

    http://www1.ourstoriesinc.com

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  14. Pingback: Some Stuffs About Me…. | imperfectlyperfect92

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